PVP

Whenever I see someone
less competent than I
(And let's face it - who isn't
less competent than I?)
My tender heart
Tends to start to bleed
When a shitfit killmail greets my eyes
I simply have to criticise
I know, I know exactly what it needs
And even in your case
Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face
Don't worry - I'm determined to succeed
Follow my lead
And yes, indeed
You'll learn to

PVP!

You're gonna ace PVP!
I'll teach you the proper tips when you fit your ships
Little ways to max and min, ooh!
I'll show you what guns are dank
How to fix your tank
Everything to help you win

Solo PVP!
I'll help you crush PVP!
You'll know how to spiral in
You'll be slingshottin'
Fly the way you've got to fly
To avoid
The tons of ridiculous ways to die

Don't be offended by my thorough scrutiny
Think of it as ship insurance fraud immunity
Now that I've chosen to become a pal, 
a fitter bitter vetter
There's nobody better
Not when it comes to PVP -
I know about PVP!
And with a few proper fits
To equip your ships
Instead of dual tank rail Lokis - oh gee...
There's nothing that can blap you - 
That I fully guarantee! Eee.

Dee dee, dee dee
You're gonna win at PVP!

When I see depressing kill mails
Green and purple missile firetails
I remind them there are tons of fits
on Google!
Also with the best and brightest
soloists and fac war fighters
Did they take every battle?
Don't make me laugh!

They were ship savvy! Please -
It's all about when to flee!
It's not about DPS
It's when you aggress
So it's very shrewd to be
Very good at quick escapes
Like me!

And though you protest
That you do know best
I know clandestinely
You're gonna need my guidance
to help your solo ability - Ah!
Dee dee, dee dee - You'll win PVP
Just not... when you land on grid
With me!